Reflection, Resolutions, and Realizations

As many of you know Nadia was born premature by 6 weeks, spent 2 weeks at BC Children’s hospital NICU and another 3 weeks in the Kelowna NICU.  To the right is a picture of Nadia the day she was born. She was teeny-tiny. When we finally got to bring her home we spent another 6 months pretty much stuck in the house. This was because Nadia wouldn’t breast feed and I was too stubborn to give in and start feeding her formula. It was an isolating time for me, because to get out of house with any baby is hard work, but when you add pumping into that equation it is damn near impossible.

Before Nadia was diagnosed in 2013, and crap basically hit the fan in our life, I often looked back at the preemie days as the worst and hardest time of my life. I felt ‘why us’ etc etc. Now with some perspective and reflection, I know that it was silly of me, although natural, but silly. Then shit really hit the fan with Nadia last year and I felt ‘why us? why her?’ and again I spent the last 3 months of 2013 feeling the same thing I had felt after she was born. It’s a crap thing to happen to us, to anyone really, and it is a hard feeling to describe to anyone who hasn’t been through it.

The feeling of helplessness and anxiety is really unimaginable, it literally takes your breath away. However, in the last few months I have come to the realization that I spent a good portion of the last 3 years more or less feeling sorry for myself.  Yes, it is warranted, I won’t deny myself that, or anyone who has gone through something like this – pity parties are always allowed in these situations – but these emotions can also eat you up and take over your life. You really have to force yourself to dust yourself off and get your day, your life going. It’s a daily struggle. That has been the hardest. So I refuse to think this last year has been the worst of our lives, because it really hasn’t, I don’t want to waste any more time with thoughts like that, or remember it like it was hell, because I know Nadia never felt like that, not for one second.

I don’t want Nadia to ever think that these last 3 years, the first 3 years of her life, were the worst part of my life, because they are the first 3 years of her life and she has has been having a blast. So instead this last year has been a blessing, a gift, a challenge, it has been the best year because I have realized that out of a real crap situation, you learn, you live, and you push on. We were blessed that Nadia got what we now consider her ‘perfect match’ and continues to thrive and I literally thank the universe everyday for it. We are grateful that so many of you were inspired to sign up for the bone marrow registry, and became blood donors because of Nadia — you really have no idea how you have saved lives because of your actions. It literally brings tears to my eyes when I get a message from you saying you donated blood, still waiting to hear if anyone has been asked to be a bone marrow donor, fingers, toes and paws are crossed that one of you will be. We learned that we are stronger than we thought as parents, partners, and humans. And we have learned to push on even when you don’t want to, but you have to, because ultimately you really have no choice.

So we are wishing you all a very happy, healthy and boring New Year because that’s what we wish for ourselves.

“…..And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” -Haruki Murakami

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